Jun 4, 2004
im still alive.... things could be better but overall i think im alright
Posted at 02:51 am by Id0ntLikey0u
May 18, 2004
wow u know i hate my fuckin life i hurt everyone i care about..... even if i dont mean to my fuckin emotions hurt people.... wish i could repeat friday.... i didnt care then.. i almost ended all the pain that i have and yes i know evetyone would be sad but they will get over it.... how long will i hurt? well at this rate... leme see until i die yeah sounds about right... and anyways if i was dead would i care if anyone else was hurting no doubnt it ... i would be rotting somewhere in the ground.... so yay no feelings... too bad im such a fuckin chicken shit i cant just do it
Posted at 09:24 pm by Id0ntLikey0u
gave good effort to ending it all last friday.... but company came over and found me..... so just spent the weekend on life support and had to explain alot... then off to the mental hospital for a few hrs.. u know u od on xanax u wouldnt think they would give a script for it.... ohhh well gotta love ignorance... one day ill actually be honest with them and maybe get help... hehe no doubt that i enjoy my freedom too much..... im still depressed havent went to work in a few days.... sitting here with a knife wanting to cut... dont want to die... just want to feel something besides the pain that sits inside me... and then do to a certain someone i cant do it.... been a while since i have had someone elses emotions in my hands.... dont like it sometimes but keeps me thinking... so yeah it sucks but then the happiness she brings keeps me mostly sane.. ill be fucked when she leaves me... want to just save myself the pain later and tell her off now... but i cant do that... can be an asshole but making her cry would kill me....
Posted at 04:10 pm by Id0ntLikey0u
Apr 25, 2004
why do i hurt everyone that loves me? one day i am going to quit trying and live up to what everyone has told me all my life... i am going to do any drug i can to keep myself numb and away from the real world until there is no more mind left to know what is real or die trying to forget myself... it wont be a big suprise to the people that know the real me.. there are others that would never know how i felt about the sadness i cant get out of... i do good right now to be happy at all... i find my comfort in drugs... read about all the lives they have ruined and all the deaths cause of it... wonder if everyone has thought that person that OD'd hated there own life that they started using drugs for the same purpose as me? a slow suicide and when ur doing it ur feeling good.. why do something harsh and shoot urself... slow death by drugs would be nice... just spend the rest of ur days using and not letting anything stop u...
Posted at 07:10 am by Id0ntLikey0u
Mar 23, 2004
havent posted in a while not ready to talk about alot of it.... will update later
Posted at 04:39 pm by Id0ntLikey0u
Mar 13, 2004
hi my name is jonathan i am going to write my life story or try to cause all of the blank spots cause a problem... the story will start out slow because i dont remember much of it.... but from what i have heard my parents were married and i was born... i dont know much about my real dad i have heard he was crazy.. i know my mom left him because he was looking at me and said he saw the devil in me... my mom called up the neighbor and i think she said everything is fine... and the neighbor came over and destracted my dad long enough for my mom to get me and my sister(different dad) ready to go... just the clothes that we had on.... went out to her vw bug and tried to leave... my dad tried to stop the car by lifting the back end up to stop the wheels from spinning... guess he failed... but my mom then tried to drive out and i dont know the area to well but i guess the drive went in a circle he tried to stop her again by jumping on the hood and my mom thank god didnt stop... not sure if she ran him over or if he just rolled off but i know she didnt stop... the years after that i dont remember and my family does not talk about them... some day i should sit down and talk with my mom about everything.. its just such a touchy subject around the house i dont bring it up... but i think i need to it has me wondering to much now... i know my dads name and he was a doctor.... i have never had the urge to actually meet him... he sounds like an asshole and my life is crazy enough as is dont really need him to make it even worse... some years later(about 2) my mom met my current dad at the hospital... at the time my mom was a nurse and my dad was doing his internship... i guess things went well cause they got married... i dont remember too much at that time cause i was so young i just remember one year for christmas when they first got together he gave me a set of keys to i dont know what but it was a cool gift cause at the time i liked keys alot... we lived in a red duplex... at the time it was just me my sis mom and soon to be dad... from there we moved into what i call the white house... my mom was preg. at the time with my little brother... only things i remember from there was my mom being preg, pulling a tv off the stand and onto my head.... rolling my moms car down the hill(was an ugly mid 80s chevy nova white)... after my mom left my real dad and met jon i call jon dad cause he is the closest thing to one i have... after a while my dad got a job in oklahoma we moved here into a house in edmond... it was ok i wasnt in school yet so i guess i was pretty young.... that year we had a tornado go past our house us being from tn. we didnt know anything of them... soon after we moved to oklahoma city... i guess my dad might have been a smart guy... cause from as long as i can remember i havent done anything good anyways.... we lived there and soon i made friends there... when i was younger making friends was very easy for me.... time went by and i started at the local public school i never could get into it... just always trying to get out of it... after being there for a year i went to a private catholic school for 2 years couldnt stand it was getting in all kinds of trouble there everyday the teacher wanted to talk with my mom.... after going there i went back to the public schools... went to the one my mom worked at she was a school nurse... soon after followed trouble... quit hanging out with my friends that did good stuff... took more of an interest in things that would cause trouble... over that summer my parents decided to move back to edmond.... they found a nice house out almost in the country... wasnt too big on moving since i liked where i lived before... lived in a nice neighborhood and i was moving out where they didnt even have paved streets.... but i was too against it at the time... that year my parents got me into 5th grade at a small public school in edmond... and thats where the hell started... was a big change for me... i had always had friends and hadnt had any trouble making them.. i moved to edmond had to meet all new friends and it didnt go well... so i became very shy... never been a really out going person but until then it never had been a problem... and to this day its still a problem.... i went through 5th grade making a couple friends... but for some reason i wasnt interested in doing nice healthy things with them... i enjoyed doing things a lil different so when 6th grade came around i had to switch schools... the one i was at only went to 5th grade... so i went to another new school... that year i wanted to make some friends in edmond... only thing that made it a problem was me still being shy... i dont make good conversation and im not big into sports... all the girls liked me which was ok but i didnt want all girls as friends... all the guys pretty much hated me.... so i kept trying for the rest of the year to make friends with who i wanted to... summer came around and it was very lonely... my only friend i usually hung out with moved away so it was just me the next year... i kept trying to make friends for about half the year... one day i just got tired of it and i remember it started at lunch time.. i started sitting by myself.. the girls came by and asked why iwasnt sitting with them and i couldnt give a good reason... i just never did go back to them.. the rest of the yr i spent almost alone.. found out quick it was easier to hang out with people that didnt try to act good... and soon after got into alchohol and drugs... never really hung out with them outside of school.. never really wanted to and i know it would not have went over well with my parents.. 8th grade came around and i just gave up.. i guess i got really depressed and have kinda stayed that way... the drug use got worse and i started to care less got into cutting myself and didnt care about much of anything... spent tons of time in the office that year tons of parent visits.... i got expelled about half way through the year... for having a syringe at school... might have been a good thing cause that kinda broke me from cutting myself up.... i went to a private school in okc.... nothing really changed there i stayed heavy into drugs and just cause more problems... didnt care about anyone but myself ended up making some friends there but i was so into myself i didnt really care about them.. i just acted... had a gf there that i didnt care about... was just a big act.... after that yr the teachers said i needed to go so i went back to edmond schools... i lasted about half a yr there... the drug use got even worse... and didnt care about anything... i never felt like i couldnt die or anything... i just didnt care what happend next... lasted about half a yr there... the principle said i need to go before i get expelled.... besides school and everything my family life was a mess... almost anything possitive didnt exist... i just lived there and my parents supported me despite how many time i stole from them or lied.... soon that stopped... they got tired of it... i dont blame them either... im still tired of everything but if u cant kill urself what else can u do? just have to go along with life and try to make the best of it... so they put my in the hospital to try to find out what was wrong with me... didnt find anything.. i guess im a good actor... i just blamed it all on the drugs... so they sent me to a drug rehab... i stayed there about a month with lots of conflict... i wasnt ready to reform yet and im hard headed so i just played there game getting away with what i can... one day they got tired of it and said i have to go... and my parents decided i should go somewhere else to "fix" me.... from there went to a rehab/boys home.... again i wasnt ready to reform so i stayed there and pretty much just told everyone to fuck off for about a yr... i left there no better than i came in... i just learned how to beat the system and play within the rules when there looking... cant say it did me any good in the long run... after that i went back to edmond schools.... from there i went to school for the first year doing what i was supposed to do... met a girl and started dating... the rest of that yr went by without anything too special... then came my junior yr... i guess i got tired of the act... i started back into drugs worse than ever.... it didnt matter what it was... just didnt do crack... i kept it hidden from my parents and everyone... my parents only found out that i was drinking from one night i had to take my gf to the ER cause of alcohol poisoning... but then again it happend about half way through my junior yr... i just quit caring... started skipping school to get drunk high sleep or anything... my relationship with the same gf went to crap soon after... the drugs and alcohol she i dont think cared much cause she would do most of the same but then how i acted and everything started changing and that started problems... it was like she was there and i really didnt care if she was so i became very selfish... we stayed together through most of it... i was working at a telemarketing place and girl that worked there had drawn me a picture and i had it in my truck when i went to visit my gf well she got very jealous and started getting all worked up and i felt i didnt need the crap so i broke up with her and went home... the rest of the yr was even worse.. the drugs kept beinga bigger part in my life till it was the only life i had... constant fights with my parents till i finally moved out... and from there the only thing that mattered was my drugs and working so i could pay for my drugs... and any friends i had that didnt do drugs i quit talking to.... i used to stay with drugs that calmed u down but then i got into ones that kept u up... i spent a couple months where i slept about 2 hrs a month... and decided it wasnt for me so i just stayed with the x and acid.... people that say it doesent affect u long term are lying... it might not hurt u long term but it changes the way u think.... i dont know if i could say i regret everything... or not... soon after i decided my life was out of control which it was very out of control... and decided i might need a lil structure... so i joined the army... big mistake but anyways... i spent some time in there and it was ok but didt really like it... after a while i went back to the drugs and life went to hell.. quickly... i again decided it was out of control and came back to oklahoma... i cant say it made my life any better or changed my thinking i just have experienced enough that i have learned alot about myself and different things in life.... eventually i will post the rest of my life and in more detail but thats all i want to write for now....
Posted at 03:41 pm by Id0ntLikey0u